Guilt Tale
(Draft)
(1) 21/10/23
Lost control of the Felus-is- not-plaizar. The
artificial intelligence pilot is no longer active. Controls are busted due to
radiation. It is no longer a viable option to try to save myself. The ship has
deviated from its trajectory and now heading towards a planet full of N2O.
The long-awaited departure of my soul is imminent. I stare at the planet even
though there is nothing to look at. As if it is a magician's trick. It is there
but is it there? Sun’s reflection makes a glare on its surface. How beautiful, I say.
I remember, I used the word when I gawked at the spectacle of a barrage of rockets leaving our home planet when I was a teenager, which was
twenty-one years ago. And I remember, following the word, I said that, one day
I will be a pilot. Following my sentence, family, and relatives around me would
break into laughter and say the following words, “But you don’t even know the
difference between ‘Neuro-resonance’ and ‘Quantum-cognisphere’. A scenario that
repeated throughout my teenage years. As if it was a cruel ritual set by the
Great Unknown. Yes, I did not know the difference between those
space-institute-invented words. True, I never got the chance to enter the
premises of the institute. Yes, I had to work in an undersea mine to support my
family. But did that stop me from becoming a voyager? No. the Great Unknown
Knew the song of my heart and rewarded me with a summon from the institute.
Knowing the Great Unknown! The institute said there were no volunteer for the
new voyage and said my low credit count makes me obligated to this exploration.
I have known the Great Unknown!
I went home to give the news and witnessed an empty house. the
moment my name was listed as the last voyager of ST-21022000, she was delisted
as a couple and enlisted as a single mother working as an innovation scientist.
Her dream too came true. My two children, Kaya (4) and Selina (5) left me a parting gift which is hanging on the wall. A drawing of a man (arrow indicates
it is their DAD), X for eyes, blobby nose, round mouth. The man is on a rocket,
blasting towards space. Surrounded by blue, pink, and black planets. I stared at
it for a long time. And prayed that the Great Unknown would reward them with an infinite amount of credits.
The day before the voyage, I met with few
relatives and fewer friends I had. They all consoled me and said, “It is all
for the good. The Great Unknown knows”. To them, it was a journey to a boiling
pot. An unpleasant outcome. From my perspective, I am heading to a place where you do not have pity, competition, jealousy, want, or desire. That is why my mind
was content when I entered the ship.
(End of the tale)
(2 22/10/23
I do not know how to write it or describe it. The experience I am experiencing. I cannot say if anyone can. Probably can. Even though I am incapable, hopeless, and helpless, I will try nonetheless.
Garden of unbearable happiness. Surrounded by a fence. A gate
with a sign reads, “No Entry”. Yet, I do not heed the caution. I crawl and jump
over the fence. I see the usual flowers as I have witnessed from my previous
escapade. I also see the flowers that have an unusual charm, labeled poisonous
and queer. But I cannot resist. I walk towards that bed of flowers and with
awkward excitement pluck a plant from the bed. Thorns of the plant sting my
palm. I brought it close to my nose and sniffed.
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